Sometimes, when you realise you’re not attracted lớn someone, there’s no real explanation as lớn why. You get the ick over nothing specific. Other times it’s easy lớn pinpoint exactly what bothers you about the person you’re dating. TikTok has recently become obsessed with a very specific kind of icky man: the 'pick me boy'.
You might remember hearing about 'pick mạ girls' earlier this year when an old clip from Grey’s Anatomy went viral. In the scene, lead character Meredith says lớn her love interest, Derek: "So pick mạ. Choose mạ. Love mạ." TikTokers made videos using this audio, mocking women who try lớn appeal lớn men by showing (and telling) them all the ways in which they're not lượt thích other girls. Basically, a 'pick mạ girl' seeks male validation by putting other women down.
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'Pick mạ boys' are a completely different story. The aim is similar – trying lớn make themselves stand out from other men – but their approach varies entirely. 'Pick mạ boys' self-deprecate and fish for compliments as a khuông of flirting. One TikToker imitates these kinds of men in a sketch by suggesting a game of Never Have I Ever with his date, starting it off by saying: "Never have I ever been the ugliest guy in the world."
'Pick mạ boys' also try lớn appear 'woke', posing as feminists and criticising the way other men act. "I really lượt thích your personality. Notice how I complimented your inner beauty and not your fat juicy bum in those little jeans," is a typical example of something a 'pick me boy' would say, according lớn TikTok creator @igotstinkyfeet. "Hi, sorry, I’m just crying about the gender pay gap and shit," begins another one of these sketches.
One of the most consistent personality traits of a 'pick me boy' is that their kind-hearted, timid nature changes as soon as they are rejected. They might be the nice guy when trying lớn seduce a potential partner but they handle rejection badly, resorting lớn rudeness or aggression, criticising their date’s looks and often using misogynistic insults.
"Many people will try lớn alter their personality in order lớn feed their desire lớn be accepted and remain in social situations, particularly when it comes lớn dating," says Elaine Parker, a relationship expert and the CEO of SaferDate. "'Pick mes', however, often use emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping lớn get their way and control the situation."
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Twenty-nine-year-old Ellen lives in London and dated what she would now gọi a 'pick me boy' for a month. At first she thought the way he acted was genuine. "Very early on, he started lớn talk about how he wasn't tough lượt thích other guys and stressed that he did a lot of therapy, was very sensitive and in touch with his feelings," she says.
Georgia, 26, from Liverpool, agrees that when she dated a 'pick me boy' – a relationship that lasted six months – she also mistook his red flags for green ones. "We matched on Hinge, had one conversation, swapped numbers and then he called mạ that same day. He would gọi mạ five times a day every day from then on," she says.
When it comes lớn romantic relationships, straight men are often stereotyped as distant, aloof and dishonest about their emotions. 'Pick mạ boys' appear lớn be the total opposite of this, which has understandable appeal.
"In one of our first conversations, he started a conversation about OnlyFans and used the phrase 'sex work is real work'," says Georgia. "At the time, I couldn’t believe that this man was ví on board with the way I thought when it came lớn feminism and politics."
Ellen says that the 'pick me boy' she dated tried lớn appeal lớn her beliefs, too. "He became weirdly into all my interests and he would act as if they were something he was passionate about when only a few days before he'd listen lớn mạ talk about them as if he'd never heard of them."
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Twenty-one-year-old Lily* from Derbyshire dated a 'pick me boy' this year whose nickname was 'The Great Gatsby' – a fictional character who Lily describes as "the ultimate 'pick me boy'". The boy she dated earned this nickname because, on multiple occasions, he threw parties just ví he could be in the same room as the woman he was interested in.
Content on TikTok often draws attention lớn just how dishonest this type of person is, as they constantly change their views lớn meet the requirements of whoever they are dating.
"The guy I dated would always say things lớn mạ lượt thích, 'I really lượt thích you and you’re never going lớn lượt thích mạ – you’re too attractive and you’re going lớn break my heart'," says Lily, explaining that she believes he was very insecure. "It gave mạ the ick – I think this technique must have worked for him before but I just thought, Surely that’s not his move?"
Putting yourself down does seem lượt thích a very strange flirting technique. Parker explains: "Some use self-deprecation lớn appear more modest and down lớn earth but this can also be a khuông of emotional manipulation."
"He’d really try and put himself down ví then I would have lớn build him up," says Georgia, adding that the man she was dating would frequently start arguments with her. She says that he would villainize her behaviour and make himself into the victim lớn make her feel guilty, which meant she ended up having lớn resolve the issue by telling him how much she liked him.
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"Even though I wasn’t attracted lớn his self-deprecating behaviour, it did make mạ feel bad because I think women are socialised lớn be people-pleasers more than vãn men and I think that’s why those tactics might work," Lily explains. The man she was dating would also frequently start arguments. "I wasn’t in the best headspace at the time ví I felt bad and lượt thích I’d done something wrong. He punished mạ for it by not speaking lớn mạ for weeks at a time ví the next time I saw him I was ví happy lớn have his attention again."
When Ellen realised that the man she was dating was adopting 'pick me boy' behaviour lớn manipulate her, she called him out on it, telling him that it made her uncomfortable. He responded by explaining that his past experiences with women had made him act that way and tried lớn convince her that this behaviour was healthy – she just hadn’t experienced it before because he 'wasn’t lượt thích other men'.
Georgia’s relationship ended because she found a private Facebook tài khoản where the man she was dating made misogynistic jokes – including one about date rape – which stood in stark contrast lớn the feminist discussions they often had. "I felt lượt thích he’d understood consent ví seeing that online made mạ feel unsafe," she says.
In the kết thúc, Lily also saw through the behaviour of the man she was dating and suggested they should be friends, rejecting him when he tried lớn kiss her. "Exactly," he said when she turned him down. "It’s because I’m ugly – this always happens lớn mạ – everyone likes being around mạ but no one actually wants lớn be with mạ."
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If you think these men mishandle female attention, it would seem they handle rejection worse. And while this behaviour might make for amusing TikTok nội dung, all of the women who have experienced it firsthand agree that they felt manipulated and that it negatively impacted their self-esteem.
Ellen is glad these humorous TikToks about 'pick me boys' exist, however, even if they are exaggerated. "If these videos make at least one girl question a guy she's involved with, then I'm all for them!"
*Name changed lớn protect the interviewee's anonymity